New Life Revolution

 You Know What Really Grinds Our Gears?!

     Lately it has come to the attention of NLR that there are a ton of things that just plain suck in the world! We're talking about the stupidest crap you can think of, spanning from huge issues to literally seconds of frustration. We intend on ripping apart everything and anything that sucks! 

The List

As Peter Griffin would say, "You know what really grinds my gears?"

     Easter - Jesus does the same old trick every single year. Rise from the grave for our salvation. Once a year, every year. It's getting kind of old now. "Oh, hey Jesus. How's it going?" "Eh, not bad. Can't complain. You?"  "Same. But hey, Easter's coming soon! Got any plans?" "Eh, well, I was going to keep it a secret, but since you asked... I'm going to rise from the dead for the sake of mandkind! Sounds cool, right?" "Oh yeah, real original." - Justin

     Stairs - Why on Earth do we still produce stairs? We invented the escalator which takes you up floors with ease, thus saving you precious calories to keep our planet as fat as always! I mean, come on... is it because stairs look elegant or go with the design of the building they're in? Why even bother having escalators if we still use stairs? I can't even think of a logical reason, other than cost, to build a staircase rather than an escalator. Here's the best part about escalators (as a certain comedian jokes). What happens when an escalator breaks down? They temporarily become stairs! Look at that. A great back-up plan... Seriously stairs, your reign as the most modern means of getting from floor to floor is about to end. Enjoy it while it lasts. - Scott

     Suped Up Shitty Cars - Can someone please explain to me why you would even bother taking a piece of shit car and suping it up? Ok, so your car is loud and flashy. It still sucks! Just look under the hood! OK, maybe some experienced "supers" take care of their engine. Thats good and all, but look how much money you put into taking care of your engine. The same amount you would when buying a better car! Those crap cars are so small that you can only fit two people in them (and that's two people uncomfortably). Oh, and why even bother to supe up a car if it's a fact that it's the most commonly stolen car ever?! You have to be a fucking idiot to not take all these things into consideration! Maybe your "ghetto street rep" will keep your car safe. Then again, maybe you're just a poor bastard who can't get a real car. - Scott

     When women complain that men can remember the stupidest shit, but not what they had for dinner last night! - I mean we've all heard this before and it's the stupidest logic ever! I'm going to keep this short and simple! Maybe if the dinners were delicious and preferably sangwiches, then we'd remember what was for dinner! - Scott

     When people SEARCH FOR FUN instead of MAKING IT - This is probably the most annyoing quality a person can have. South Plainfield, New Jersey especially tends to harbor a certain type of horrible characteristic in a person where anytime there is a slight lack of interest at a certain destination, right away everyone looks for the next fun place to go! IF EVERYONE CONCENTRATED AS HARD ON MAKING A GOOD TIME OUT OF ANY SITUATION (which, might I say, is very possible at any given time) THEN MAYBE PEOPLE WOULDN'T HAVE TO LEAVE PLACES TO LOOK FOR OTHER THINGS TO DO. This sucks in many respects because a) you look like a total jackass for abandoning your real friends to go hang somewhere else because there is something for you to gain (ex. sex, free drugs, free alcohol, etc.) b) nothing better is going on anywhere else that isn't run by either a private party team (meaning a wedding or professional party) or the NLR c) to everyone else, your flaws are easily seen when you resort to searching for fun. IF YOU ARE SERIOUSLY BORED WHEN YOU GO OUT TO PARTY, WHY NOT TAKE A LOOK AT THE PEOPLE YOU'RE WITH. THEY SUCK! LOOK AT THEM! HALF OF THEM CAN BARELY TALK BECAUSE THEY ARE IN THE BOTTOM 50 IN YOUR CLASS. Don't fool yourself into thinking they like you either. These are the kind of people that need to have a revelation in life. They aren't considerate of the people around them and especially aren't considerate of the PRIVILAGES they are allowed, such as being wherever they are and drinking stuff they didn't pay for. Once they realize how inconsiderate they are, by means of some freak incident, they will finally understand their place in life, which in our eyes is nowhere until this actually happens. YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE ASSHOLES! - Scott

     Tyler Perry movies - They suck. I have never seen one, but they just look like absolute garbage. They always focus on a middle class back family as if they were white, but still black. Think of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air, but not even close to as rich. None of his movies have grossed more than $65 million, which equals a massive box office flop in Hollywood. But he proceeds to make more movies, which are also flops! Where is this money coming from? Regardless, they're so bad, even black people try to stay away from them. Stop it, Tyler Perry. You suck. - Justin

     "Do not park here when snow covered" signs - I just don't understand this sign... This sign is a trap that you cannot avoid. Let's say that you park your car on a street during the winter. It can be any street, in any location. Then it just so happens to snow. It's not just a slight frosting of the grass, but a heavy downpour of luscious white powder, (and no not cocaine or angel dust). Now you tell me, because your car is parked on a snow-covered street, are you now eligible for a fine? See what I mean!? "It's a trap," as Admiral Akhbar so strongly put it. I mean, you wouldn't even be able to stop breaking the law! For example, if you're caught on grass and there's a sign that says, "keep off" on it and an officer sees you, you can just jump off the grass. However, you can't simply move a car stuck in its spot that is heavily covered with snow. Funny thing about this situation is that cops are completly stupid and don't bother to follow this rule! They pass hundreds of snow trapped cars and don't even give them tickets. What gives? If I were a cop, I'd have my quota for the winter filled up on the first snow! Maybe their cars are stuck in snow as well? This now presents an infinite cycle of cops fining themselves or even other cops for breaking their own laws. All and all, get rid of that stupid sign! It's worthless... - Scott

     People who blast music in their cars - So there you are, enjoying your quiet afternoon lounging in your backyard (or front yard if that's your sort of thing). Then all of the the sudden your still glass of lemonade (or refreshing beverage of choice) begins to ripple to the beat of a steady bass. You look around in confusion and slight fear as you know what's coming, but don't want to admit it. Then you look to your side and see a car flying down the street. Is this the source of the crappy cacophony? Indeed, it is! Some asshole is driving down the road (like the asshole that he is), and he thinks his music is so important that you must hear it, too. No, he wants you to feel it. He wants you to stare in wonder and pure jealousy at how he's blowing out his tweeters and maxing out his subwoofer (which is probably worth more than the car itself). And, of course, the tune du jour is some sort of (c)rap. Wonderful. Thank you, Señor Asshole. In your maybe 10 seconds of coming and going, you have thoroughly pissed me off and spoiled my good time. I hope you die in a car fire on a busy road where other assholes won't notice you because they're too busy trying to compete with your god damn sound system. - Justin

     "Secret Shoppers" at Restraunts - If you have never worked in the restaurant industry then let me spend the next few moments explaining what a secret shopper is. A secret shopper, or shopper for short, is a person/group of people hired by a corporate run restaurant whose sole purpose is to rate the service of all aspects of the hiring restaurant company. This includes the hosts, servers and the food and managers as well. The idea of having secret people who come into restaurants disguised as guests rating the restaurant without anyone knowing seems like a sneaky, yet interesting idea. Basically, by being unknown, the shoppers are able to catch the restaurant and its employees in their natural element. This way they can see how the restaurant is really run without being forewarned that the head honchos are paying a visit. All and all a good idea. However, if we take it a step further, we can see that this tactic has many flaws that put good workers out of work by pure chance. A shopper report is basically like a questionnaire. After a shopper leaves the said restaurant, they can now fill out the questionnaire as best as they can, answering all the questions provided. Let me stop and take the time to mention now that shoppers are ordinary people who sign up to go into a restaurant and get a free meal and then fill out the questionnaire in return for that free meal. In fact, most shoppers don't even work for the company they are shopping for. (If TGI Fridays gets shopped by a shopper, the shopper does not work for the TGI Friday company.) Most, if not all are ordinary plumbers, electricians, landscapers, businessmen, etc. Now, here's the catch. Certain restaurants have an exact run down of exactly what should happen when a guest enters the building. The host should hold the door for the said guest, commence in conversation in order to make the guest feel welcome, the server should greet and bring drinks in an allotted time, food should show up in an allotted time, the food should be prepared perfectly and flawlessly, the manager should be able to be seen from anywhere in the restaurant, and so on and so forth. It's a simple task making a guest feel at home and catering to their needs. In fact this is where the whole idea of secret shoppers sinks horribly. If a server is supposed to let the guest know of drinks, then they should mention the drink specials as soon as the guest sits. However, sometimes, before you can even introduce yourself, the guest is already asking for a Coke or Coors Light draft. Now, the server has two options from this point. They can a) tell the guest about the drink specials after the guest has already ordered drinks which would result in the guest looking at you with two heads. WHY WOULD YOU GIVE A DRINK SPECIAL TO SOMEONE WHO ALREADY ORDERED A DRINK! or b) they can go on and get the drinks the guests ordered in the first place in a prompt manner. In the same respect, sometimes a shopper does a full restaurant shop where they stop at the bar and even check the bathrooms. Take this scenario. A guest is sitting with his wife at the bar. They order a few beers (and then some onion rings for sake of argument). After the appetizer arrives, the guests pick themselves up from the bar and sit at a table. A server now is in charge of their dinner experience. Now just to remind you, all servers are required to suggest appetizers to guests. However, let me also remind you that the guest already has an appetizer in front of them. Now let me ask the general public here. Would you really ask a guest if they wanted to start off their night with a second appetizer? I didn't think so. Later that night, the uneducated guests who don't think of the situation at all fill out their questionnaire. Some questions read: Did the server make you feel comfortable and greet you in 30 seconds? Did the server provide tonight's specials? Did the server suggest an appetizer. Here is where the plan fails. As the guests fill out the questionnaire they think to themselves, "Well we did get an appetizer at the bar, however, the server did not ask us if we wanted any appetizers." OF COURSE THEY DIDN'T ASK! YOU ALREADY ORDERED YOUR APPETIZER! There are many loop holes that are in the questionnaire that set restaurant employees up for failure. Same goes for dessert. If as a server asks how the food is, a guest asks for a specific dessert, why should or even would the server ask that same guest if they'd like dessert? AND AGAIN, later that night, while filling out the questionnaire, the question reads, did the server suggest dessert? The shopper thinks to themselves, well I did get dessert because I asked for it, however, the server didn't suggest it, so they mark down a no for something that should be a yes. Both the questionnaire and shoppers are at fault. The questionnaire for not having a situational take on serving which is VERY SITUATIONAL and the shopper for not knowing how to shop properly. If they are going to get a free meal out of shopping a restaurant, you'd think the corporation would make sure they asked questions properly. (I.e. waiting to see if the server ask for dessert, rather than ask themselves and mark down unfair answers.) Thinking about these situations now almost makes me feel as if corporations are purposely setting people up for failure in order to keep the turnover of employees fresh. If that is the case, many civil suits should be taken against restaurant coperations for indirect discrimination. This is why we as a nation should fight the man! Stand up to the powers at be. - Scott

     Gum anywhere, but the mouth - I'm going to keep this short. If you ever encounter gum anywhere other than your mouth than it is a sad day for you. Your hair, clothes, shoes, even furniture. Nothing can escape it's sticky, prechewed wrath. If gum didn't taste good and didn't keep breath fresh, it'd be off the market, second to the mint, and done away with forever. Thanks for nothing gum... - Scott

     When people refer to a sports team by using the word "we" instead of "they" - I have to admit that I too have been guilty of this, however, I now realize how abnoxious it is to actually say and hear it. Many times people tend to use the word we when referring to a professional sports team in conversation. Not quite sure what I mean? Well let me give you an example. "Oh man, did you see the Dolphins last night?" "Yeah man!" "We crushed the Patriots!"... We crushed the Patriots? WE CRUSHED THE PATRIOTS?! There is no reason that anyone should refer to their favorite team when talking about them and use the word we. You did nothing to help them. Do you honestly think that while sitting on your comfy couch, enjoying an ice cold brew-dog and some chips and salsa, you had any affect on the outcome of the game? Did you tackle anyone? Did you hit any homeruns? Did you block any penalty shots? Did you even help bring out the tarp when it started to rain?! I didn't think so. Unless you are involved directly with a team by means of working for them or being a member of the team, it is stupid to refer to them by using the word we. They just sounds better anyway. One exception that would seem almost granted as a reward would be if your favorite team won its given championship. Then and only then can you brag about your team and say things like "WE WON THE SERIES!" Until that time comes, show some respect for the players who actually made it to the pros. Let's be real honest here, do you really think you could stand up to a charging defensive line? They'd destroy you. But by saying we, you sound as if you are right there on the offensive line doing a good job... In conclusion, just start using the word they instead of we. - Scott